Podcast #8: Letting Go and Letting God

After a horrible day in court.  I've had time to rant and rave and just let it go.

Click here for Episode 8

Feel free to leave a comment or question!

Peace and Love

Podcast #7: Co-Parenting with a Manchild

This week will be the most challenging yet.  I hope I don't sound bitter, but when it concerns my child...

Click here for Episode 7

Podcast #6: Dazed and Confuzzled

Why I've been gone and what (kind of) I've been up to.  Have a listen.  Feel free to leave a comment or question.

Podcast #5: The One Who Got Away

Are there other fish in the sea?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Many of us torture ourselves daydreaming about the "what if's" of a love lost and what could have been.

Courting

We went to our first court date last week.  I didn't know what to expect, so it was nothing like I expected.  We were ushered into a tiny room with a man who, I assume, has some sort of legal training and a lady who was the reporter/stenographer.  Are they even called stenographers anymore?

The man was uncomfortable that we are still living in the same house.  It's really the financially responsible thing for us considering my lack of income.  And, STBX is hardly ever there.  So, it works out.

For the sake of my sanity, I've decided to buy him out of "his share" of the house.  He has to be out by July 31st.  The law man says, "you're on the hook for all the bills come August 1st."  I replied, "I've been on the hook financially this entire marriage, that's why I'm getting divorced."  He gave a weak smile, but I'm sure I made him more uncomfortable. 

After going over all of the paperwork, the law guy decided that I should be responsible for half of the debt.  I straight out told him that I was not paying half of credit card debt that was used for trips and other things to make STBX's life more comfortable and pleasurable while I paid for preschool tuition, dental procedures, school fees, etc. for our child all by myself.  STBX, being the martyr that he is, told the man that he was fine to cover the debt - his debt.  Although he tried to make it seem like the debt was a result of taking care of our family.  So, I asked him to account for the $135,000 from the sale of the house in Arizona.  That money certainly wasn't applied to the purchase of the house we currently reside in.  And there has not been that much familial maintenance.  Ever.

The best part of court was that law man doesn't think that it would be fair for STBX to pay all of his own debt and child support.  Yeah, that just happened.  So, when we go back, I'm going to ask the court if I should be the one to suffer while STBX takes monthly international trips and makes payments on his condo that he won't be living in full time.  

I suspect it will cause some sort of turmoil that will result in August 8th not being the first day of the rest of my life.  But I think I'm willing to take that chance.

Although I had hoped it would not come to this, I will be contacting a lawyer; for a consultation at least.  I had hoped to be able to save those thousands of dollars to live off of, but STBX is just not being reasonable.  And I can't wait for karma, I need my justice now.

Podcast #4: Only child and sibling relationships

Today, I talked about the ups and downs of having siblings (from a sibling point of view) and being an only child (from a parent point of view).

On Second Thought

It seems that my STBX (soon to be ex-husband) is having second thoughts.  He hasn't come out and said it, but I can tell from his actions.

We've been down this road before.  I have no intentions of going back.

Sadly, I don't really feel that the second thoughts have anything to do with emotions or suddenly realizing we could have a good thing if we just both worked on it.  I think that he just realized that what I've been telling him all along is true: he's going to have more bills without me.  

You would think that anyone would realize that when there are two people contributing to any venture, no matter how small the contribution, it's still a contribution.  My STBX didn't see it that way.  The only time he saw it that was when I was the one paying the bigger portion.

Being mostly unemployed for the past three years hasn't given me much to contribute.  I pay the internet/home security, the home and auto insurances, dental insurance for myself and Bubby, and I buy all of the communal food.  In addition to that, any money that has to be spent on Bubby comes from me: copays, school fees, swim lessons, book fairs.  

For the past year, I've been living measly sub paycheck to sub paycheck.  It's scary.  I need brakes on the rear end of my vehicle.  Now's not a good time.  Just when I thought I was about to get ahead, Bubby sprained his ankle at a birthday party.  $300.  Oh, the same amount as rear brakes.

I don't expect the next year to be easy.  I'll be making just enough to survive.  And every emergency will, most likely, send my budget into a tailspin.  But I know that in the end it will all be worth it.  There is no turning back now.  

Peace and Love
cas

Reasonably Happy Podcast, Episode 3 - The Downside of Divorce

In this episode, I talk about the things that will be tougher now that I'm going it alone.

Recurring Dreams

Many years ago, I endured two recurring dreams.  They were really more like  nightmares.  

The first dream started right after 9/11.  I was at work when 9/11 happened; I'm sure most people were.  In my dream, armed, masked people came through my office space.  They were screaming for everyone to stay where they were.  I jumped under my desk in hopes of saving my life.  I struggled to control myself from shaking too much or breathing too loudly as I watched a parade of combat boots pass by the space between my desk and the floor.  

After a short time, one of the masked people must have noticed me because he - or she - stopped, bent down, and made eye contact with me.  I could feel my eyes widening.  In my mind, I knew my life was over.  But the person just stood up, yelled "all clear!" and kept moving.  I had that dream several time while I was in the military.  I don't recall ever having it since I've been out of the military.  

I've always taken the meaning of the dream at face value.

The second recurring dream also started while I was in the military.  But it was of a much less dramatic nature.  And, it didn't always end exactly the same.  The dream always started with me in my car - an Oldsmobile Bravada that I loved so much.  I was always going in reverse in the dream.  And my brakes never worked.  Usually, after a tremendous struggle to control my car, I would hit the vehicle behind me.  I remember once or twice I was able to stop before I hit the car behind me.

I've had this dream several times.  Even after I got out of the military.  A therapist told me that the dream meant that I "felt" that I wasn't going forward in my life and that I had no control over any of it.  At the time, I guess that was pretty applicable.

Today, I recalled those dreams because last night, I had the car dream again after so many years of not having it.  While some factors of the original dream have changed, many have remained the same.

Last night, I was in my current vehicle - a truck.  My son was with me.  While driving down the road, the engine just stopped.  I tried to coast over to the shoulder of the road.  Although I couldn't get the truck to start, I was still able to go in reverse.  The shoulder of the road was very narrow, so I kept going in reverse until I felt like I was far enough off the highway to be safe.  

In this dream, there was a puddle behind me.  As I got closer and closer to the puddle, I tried to put on the brakes because I didn't want to get out of the car into the water.  However... the brakes were not working.  And the puddle wasn't actually a puddle, it was a pond.  As the front of the truck tipped upwards, I started to panic.  I had to get my son and myself out before it was too late.

I'm not really sure how I ended up getting out of the truck.  The next thing I remember is me and my son being okay out of the truck surrounded by police.

I'm sure with the current state of my affairs, this newer version of my old dream has the same meaning.  Since I made it through the last bought of this recurring nightmare, I have faith that I'll survive this one as well.

Peace & Love (and sweet dreams)
cas

Reasonably Happy Podcast, Episode 2 - "My" Upside of Divorce

I talk about a few of the things that contributed to my divorce, and what I'm looking forward to in the coming months.  

New job!

Unemployment is tough on every person who must unwillingly experience it.  However, I do feel it's a little tougher when you feel like you've done everything "the right way", yet you still can't find gainful employment.

Graduate high school.  Check! 
Serve in the military.  Check! 
Get a degree (in an actually employable field).  Check! 
Get a masters degree.  Check! 

Growing up, I was told that getting these things checked off would guarantee my employment for the rest of my life.   What I wasn't told was that depending on where I lived, none of it would really matter.  By that I (mostly) mean that I live in the middle of nowhere(ish).  I also have a young, school-age child.  And, up until a few days ago, all of my acceptable job options included a 45+ minutes commute each way. 

I know that plenty of people commute a long way every day. Yay for them.  But for me, rather than being able to enjoy being employed, I would be putting the majority of my paycheck into my gas tank and before/after care for my child; and the majority of my free time into driving.  As I stated before, tons of people do it all the time.  I choose not to.  And I have accepted the repercussions of that choice. 

So, given all that, no, I don't want to work a job that pays $12-$13/hour.  I also don't want to work a job with no dress code.  Believe me, neither do you.  And while I don't need (or really want) to be the boss, I certainly have enough skills and experience to not be on the bottom rung. 

I have, thankfully, found a job less than 10 minutes from my house.  The pay is acceptable; especially given the lack of commute.  I also have wonderful friends who are willing to help me get my kiddo to/from school if I need it.  The job is only for one year, and I'm okay with that.  Who knows, maybe I'll wow them, and they'll ask me to stay.

Peace and Love,
cas

First Podcast

Don't call it a comeback

Welcome back!

After a few years, I've decided to resurrect my blog.  

Why?  

Well, I'm starting a new path, and I have so many things to say that I'm sure I would bore my friends and family to death if I said them all.  That being said, I'm not much of a phone talker.  Texting is more my speed, but I don't enjoy texting because it's not the same as typing.

I decided to archive all of my old posts.  They were from a time in my life when I was quite unhappy; although it did start to shift towards contentment.  Some of it was just some ugly stuff that's better forgotten.  Life, at present, is full, busy, and very content.  I guess I could say that I am reasonably happy right now.

What am I going to talk about?

I'll talk about raising my child as a lonely only while newly divorced.  Oh the guilt!  I'll drop a post here and there about teaching at a school whose policies I don't completely agree with.  And, of course, there will be my opinions on some of my favorite TV shows and books.  This is not the limit of things I will be talking about, merely a preview.

Have a look around.  Feel free to leave a link in the comment section if you have a blog you'd like me to check out.

Thanks for stopping by!

cas